Why I decided to be a part of a documentary!

Finally.  The documentary I am a part of is out. It’s call Living Undocumented. After seeing it many things are running to my head. Watching all those scenes brought me sad memories-the stress I felt, the pain, the uncertainty of not knowing what was going to be of me, my daughters and my husband.

Seeing my oldest daughter, Pamela crying and my precios son name Spot that I have not seeing since I got deported. My husband says that he sleeps with the  dirty socks I left in the laundry room.

Watching the series made me realized that even though God could but choose not to prevent my deportation, he has been with me. He has been with me wherever I have gone. I understand it now. I see it.

I feel so ungrateful because I doubted him and I still do sometimes. I couldn’t  sleep the last nights prior my deportation thinking how and where I was going to live? as I mentioned on the series, I don’t have a home here in Mexico. I had so many sleepless nights thinking where and how I am going to live in Mexico if I have to leave? I forgot that God has always got me. I have a decent room over my head and although is not the beautiful home I left in Florida. Still a home and I am very appreciative for that.

Barely anyone knew of my participation in the documentary, and now that is out. I have friends asking me why did I decided to be a part of this documentary? why did I choose to expose my life and my family in such a big platform as Netflix ?

The answer is:

Because I feel that when good, godly Americans watch it. It will open their eyes and hopefully change their minds how they perceive Immigrants. The majority of the immigrants are good, hard working people that just want a better life, like any other human being . Not like the current government wants Americans to believe.

So if you watched it, or are planning to watch it. My hope is that you watch it with a receptive, compassion heart. And that if my story has impacting you and you want to see me go home.

and If you are an American and have the privilege to vote. Please vote for legislators, like my Congressman Darren Soto and a for a different President that treat immigrants with dignity and compassion. Please help me go back home!

As always thank you for reading my blog!

https://petitions.moveon.org/sign/bring-alejandra-home

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A year has passed!

A year has passed- Unbelievable. A year has passed and I am still here! Throughout this year I have experienced how it feels to have your heartbroken. It is a pain, a physical pain that won’t let you eat or sleep. But God’s grace is amazing and I am still here -15 pounds less, And although I am still sad and still can’t sleep well. I am doing a little better than before. 

I remember how on August 2nd the night before my deportation, I could not sleep thinking how am I going to fit 20 years of my life into these two suitcases?” I also remember walking around my neighborhood in the middle of the night staring at the outside of my house and thinking, “this may be the last time you see your home.”

 So I tried to record in my head the last picture of my beautiful house. The same house my husband and I build with part of the money he earned when he was deployed to Iraq after the 9/11 attacks. How Ironic life can be! Who would have thought that I was going to have to leave my house and my husband would have to live in that house without me. We always thought we were going to grow old and die together in our home.

Recently I have been doing more interviews hoping that by keeping my story alive, I will be able to go back.  I am and always be hoping and waiting for that email from Congressman Darren Soto letting me know that my private bill has passed and that I have to start packing because I am going back.

I always go to sleep and wake up asking for God to help me and make a miracle happen. I know that one day. He will hear me. But I also know that for now, I have to make the best of it and keep going- for my little one, for my oldest one, for myself.

In the meantime, I am counting the days until Christmas so that I can see my oldest child as she will be coming to visit me again. Seeing her beautiful face again is what keeps me going!

Thank you for your support.

As always thank you for reading my blog, and if you can please sign my petition and look into my http://www.patreon.com! Thank You

https://petitions.moveon.org/sign/bring-alejandra-home

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#findinghopeafterdeportation

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As always thank you for reading my blog, and if you can please sign my petition and look into my patreon.com! Thank You

 

 

No more asking why me!

Once again, I had a hard time finding what was I going to write about. So many things have happened to me over the last weeks,  some good and lots of bad.

  I realized that I had to let go of my pain and the grouches I can’t keep holding onto something that I can’t change right now. It is very damaging for me and my little one who lives with me. My pain and disappointments are not letting me be the mom that I always wanted to be and was prior to my deportation.

   August 3rd is going to be one year since I came back to the country that I was born in and I am still mentally in the same position that I was in when I arrived. Why? Because I keep holding onto my pain and my suffering. I keep asking God why me? I keep asking everyone that I trust, the same question. Hoping someone will give me an answer that will satisfy me and make me feel better.  I recently asked my husband this question. Why this happened to me? his answer was, why not? It was the best answer anyone has given me so far! 

   My oldest child helped me see that I have become a negative, toxic person. I couldn’t see it.  She recently came with my husband to visit. She told me. “Mom it is time for you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Keep doing things to go back, but at the same time try to move on, find your strength. You are a strong woman, I know that.” 

  She left two days ago with my little one.  We promised each other to be strong and be positive.  I didn’t want my little one to leave me- even temporary,  but she wanted to go see her dog and her friends. I understood it and while she is gone, I am trying to organize my thoughts, my goals, and my life,  at the same time that I am trying to find the strength to keep going!

 

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Thank you for reading my blog, and thanks to my new friend Felipe Rodriguez ( another deportee, Instagram: feliperodriguez1967) for taking this beautiful picture!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Faith and Hope!

Today is Mother’s Day in Mexico. My first Mother’s Day as a mom in Mexico. (When I left Mexico, 23 years ago, I wasn’t a mom yet.) In Mexico, they celebrate Mother’s Day very big with a lot of festivities, especially in schools.

Little kids practice dances to dance for their mom in their schools on this day. So, my little one warned me to bring enough tissue because she knew I was going to be very emotional.

I saw my daughter at her school. I saw her dancing and then singing. and while she was singing a very popular mother’s song. She was looking for my face or hand to acknowledge that I was watching her.  I waved at her and blew her a kiss.

 

After she was done with her festivities, we went out to eat at a nearby restaurant where other families from her school happen to be eating as well. Seeing the other families made me so sad. I wish I was eating with my family. So, I broke down and asked her if she thinks I will ever be back to the US? She responded in clear Spanish claro, “Fe y Esperanza, mami.”  ( Faith and hope.) Her answer made me cry more and then laugh because I realized that now she speaks a lot of Spanish with a Yucatecan accent. I realized, that she even started to speak English with a Yucatecan accent too. why I have not noticed it? My almost 10- year- old pretty girl is now almost fully bilingual like me!! I always wanted my kids to learned Spanish but not this way, by living out of the Country! I tried to gain my composure as other people were watching me and I become embarrassed.

We finally went back and finished eating our food and I felt so blessed to have my daughter with me. She is so sweet and brings me comfort with her wise words.

Thank you for visiting my blog.

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Finally Finding Healing!

Today  March 3rd, It has been seventh months since I got deported. For the last 7 months I kept thinking, Today will be the day that Congressman, Darren Soto will call me to tell me ‘Alejandra you can come back.’ I spoke with him two weeks ago and he says things are looking promising. I know within my heart that he is doing everything possible for things to happen, but I realized that is not healthy for me to keep leaving like this, waiting for that call. I am tired of being sad all the time. I know I have to make a change in my life for my daughter’s health. She lives with me and it is not healthy for her to see me sad and crying all the time.  Three days ago I went to downtown and saw many needy people asking for money including little kids. I saw that they looked happy -happier than me. So, I got home, texted my oldest child in Florida and asked her for permission to be happier. I needed her permission because I feel guilty for trying to be happy even though she is not here with me. I feel I should not be happy without her. When I told her that I was going to try to be happier and if she could forgive me for all the pain I have caused her because of my poor decisions. She said “yes mom try to be happy and do things. I love you and don’t want to see you sad anymore.” Continue reading “Finally Finding Healing!”

My daughter has become my voice!

By now it has been 6 months since I have been living in Mexico.

And the separation still hurts as bad as the first day of my arrival. I still get contacted by media asking me if they can come to Mexico for an interview. My answer is always the same, no. Since my arrival to Mexico. I have only allowed one journalist to come and follow my story. I hate to be rude and I wish I could say yes to them but I am still so sad and don’t want people to see me like this. I know, I should be feeling better by now but I am not quite there.

I have been told that time heals everything but as long my child remains there,  I don’t think that will be the case.  I am doing everything within my power to heal and get used to leaving here but there has not been a day since my arrival that I pray to God that today will be the day that I heard my phone ring with the news that I can go back to my home in Florida. Last week my hope of coming back increased because of my local Congressman. Darren Soto refiled my private bill and my daughter, Pamela was invited to D.C for a press conference outside the Capitol.  Seeing her speak made me feel so proud. That shy teenager girl that I left, has become my voice. When I saw her talked, I could not help but think, “ where is my shy girl?” While I continue to build my life here with my youngest child, I will also continue to hope that I can go back one day to my home in Florida. Hoping that the day will come soon.

Thank you for reading my blog and I hope to see you next time!

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Pamela in Washington DC

 

No Christmas For Me!

 I couldn’t wait for Christmas to be over! I hated to go out and hear the Christmas carols in every single store. Yes, I know. I sound like the Grinch. In fact, my little one named me the Mexican Grinch!  I did not buy a Christmas tree or any Christmas decorations. but I did buy a gift for each of my kids. On December 21st my beautiful daughter Pamela came to see me. She arrived a few days before Christmas and she was not happy when she saw that I did not have a Christmas tree.

  I know my lack of Christmas spirit made my kids sad. But how can I be in the mood when I just lost so much? For the last 21 years, I spend a lot of money on Christmas decorations, gifts, etc. But  after my deportation, over the last couple of months I have barely had the energy to get out, take my child to school, cook a healthy lunch for her when she gets back from school and find the strength to exercise because that is the only thing ( besides talking to God) that prevents me from going crazy or wanting to jump out off a bridge.

  The truth is that it has been very hard for me to go on. I can’t seem to get out of the dark cloud that I feel I have over my head. It has been 5 months since I was deported from the US and I know that it is expected from me by now to feel better and move on right? Well no. Not really. How can I feel better when so much has been taking away from me? I built my life in Florida, I built my dream house with hard work and perseverance and with no government assistance -despite some people might think. My husband and I NEVER EVER asked for government assistance and we are proud of that. The only thing he asked the government, was for the chance for his wife to remain there, in the US. And we all know how that went!

  It felt good to have my husband and oldest child here for Christmas. We had a good time full of laughs and lots of tears. I wanted to be happy but I kept thinking: In a few days they will be leaving and I will have to wait god knows how many months to see them again. My oldest child kept saying, “ Mom, I wish you could come with us, this is not right, It’s so cruel and does not make sense. Many undocumented people are there and you were deported why, why you?” I responded to her that is a question that I keep asking God on a daily basis. Why me? Why? My question remains unanswered. But I hope, that one day I get to know the answer. I know I will.

 Sadly, the day that my child and husband had to live came on January the 3rd, a few days ago and my 9-year-old and I are still very sad. But we find comfort hoping that next Christmas we can spend it together in our house in Florida, with our old dog Spot. In the meantime, I keep praying for my miracle to happen!

Thank you for reading my blog and please don’t forget to visit my Patreon account below. See you next time!

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https://www.patreon.com/findinghopeafterdeportation

#findinghopeafterdeportation


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