I couldn’t wait for Christmas to be over! I hated to go out and hear the Christmas carols in every single store. Yes, I know. I sound like the Grinch. In fact, my little one named me the Mexican Grinch! I did not buy a Christmas tree or any Christmas decorations. but I did buy a gift for each of my kids. On December 21st my beautiful daughter Pamela came to see me. She arrived a few days before Christmas and she was not happy when she saw that I did not have a Christmas tree.
I know my lack of Christmas spirit made my kids sad. But how can I be in the mood when I just lost so much? For the last 21 years, I spend a lot of money on Christmas decorations, gifts, etc. But after my deportation, over the last couple of months I have barely had the energy to get out, take my child to school, cook a healthy lunch for her when she gets back from school and find the strength to exercise because that is the only thing ( besides talking to God) that prevents me from going crazy or wanting to jump out off a bridge.
The truth is that it has been very hard for me to go on. I can’t seem to get out of the dark cloud that I feel I have over my head. It has been 5 months since I was deported from the US and I know that it is expected from me by now to feel better and move on right? Well no. Not really. How can I feel better when so much has been taking away from me? I built my life in Florida, I built my dream house with hard work and perseverance and with no government assistance -despite some people might think. My husband and I NEVER EVER asked for government assistance and we are proud of that. The only thing he asked the government, was for the chance for his wife to remain there, in the US. And we all know how that went!
It felt good to have my husband and oldest child here for Christmas. We had a good time full of laughs and lots of tears. I wanted to be happy but I kept thinking: In a few days they will be leaving and I will have to wait god knows how many months to see them again. My oldest child kept saying, “ Mom, I wish you could come with us, this is not right, It’s so cruel and does not make sense. Many undocumented people are there and you were deported why, why you?” I responded to her that is a question that I keep asking God on a daily basis. Why me? Why? My question remains unanswered. But I hope, that one day I get to know the answer. I know I will.
Sadly, the day that my child and husband had to live came on January the 3rd, a few days ago and my 9-year-old and I are still very sad. But we find comfort hoping that next Christmas we can spend it together in our house in Florida, with our old dog Spot. In the meantime, I keep praying for my miracle to happen!
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