No more asking why me!

 

Once again, I had a hard time finding what was I going to write about. So many things have happened to me the over the last weeks,  some good and lots of bad.

I realized that I had to let go my pain and my grudges. I can’t keep holding on to something that I can’t change right now. It is very damaging for me and my little one who lives with me. My pain and grudges are not letting me be the mom that I always wanted to be and was prior my deportation.

   August 3rd is going to be one year since I came back to the country that I was born and I am still mentally in the same position that I was when I arrived. Why because I keep holding onto my pain and my suffering. I keep asking God why me? I keep asking everyone that I trust, the same question. Hoping someone will give me an answer that will satisfied me and make me feel better.  I recently asked my husband this question. Why this happened to me? his answer was, why not? It was the best answer anyone has giving me so far! 

   My oldest child helped me see that I have become a negative, toxic person. I couldn’t see it.  She recently came with my husband and told me. “Mom it’s time for you to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Keep doing things to go back but at the same time try to move on, find your strength, you are a strong woman, I know that.” 

  She left two days ago with my little one.  We promised each other to be strong and be positive.  I didn’t want my little one to leave me but she wanted to go see her dog and friends. I understood it and while she is gone, I am trying to organize my thoughts, goals and life at the same time that I am trying to find the strength to keep going!

 

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Thank you for reading my blog, and thanks to my new friend Felipe ( another deportee) for taking this beautiful picture!

 

 

Faith and Hope!

Today is Mother’s Day in Mexico. My first Mother’s Day as a mom in Mexico. (When I left the Mexico, 23 years ago, I wasn’t a mom yet.) In Mexico they celebrate Mother’s Day very big with a lot festivities, especially in schools.

Little kids practice dances to dance for their mom in their schools on this day. So, my little one warned me to bring enough tissue because she knew I was going to be very emotional.

I saw my daughter at her school. I saw her dancing and then singing. and while she was singing a very popular mother’s song. She was looking for my face or hand to acknowledge that I was watching her.  I waved at her and blew her a kiss.

 

After she was done with her festivities, we went out to eat at a nearby restaurant where other families from her school happen to be eating as well. Seeing the other families made me so sad. I wish I was eating with my family to. So, I broke down and asked her if she thinks I will ever be back to the US? She responded in clear Spanish claro, “Fe y Esperanza, mami.”  ( Faith and hope.) Her answer made me cry more and then laugh because I realized that now she speaks a lot Spanish with a Yucatecan accent. I realized, that she even started to speak English with a Yucatecan accent too. why I have not noticed it? My almost 10- year- old pretty girl is now almost fully bilingual like me!! I always wanted my kids to learned Spanish but not this way, by living out of the Country! I tried to gain my composure as other people were watching me and I become embarrassed.

We finally went back and finished eating our food and I felt so blessed to have my daughter with me. She is so sweet and brings me comfort with her wise words.

Thank you for visiting my blog.

https://www.patreon.com/findinghopeafterdeportation

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Finally Finding Healing!

Today  March 3rd, It has been seventh months since I got deported. For the last 7 months I kept thinking, Today will be the day that Congressman, Darren Soto will call me to tell me ‘Alejandra you can came back.’ I spoke with him two weeks ago and he says things are looking promising. I know within my heart that he is doing everything possible for things to happen, but I realized that is not healthy for me to keep leaving like this, waiting for that call. I am tired of being sad  all the time. I know I have to make a change In my life for my daughter’s health. She lives with me and it is not healthy for her to see me sad and crying all the time.  Three days ago I went to downtown and saw many needy people asking for money including little kids. I saw that they looked happy -happier than me. So, I got home, texted my oldest child in Florida and asked  her for permission to be happier. I needed her permission because I feel guilty for trying to be happy even though she is not here with me. I feel, I should not be happy without her. When I told her that I was going to try to be happier and if she could forgive me for all the pain I have caused her because of my poor decisions. She said “yes mom try to be happy and do things. I love you and don’t want to see you sad anymore.” Read more

My daughter has become my voice!

By now it has been 6 months since I have been living in Mexico.

And the separation still hurts as bad as the first day of my arrival. I still get contacted by media asking me if they can come to Mexico for an interview. My answer is always the same, no. Since my arrival to Mexico. I have only allowed one journalist to come and follow my story. I hate to be rude and I wish I could say yes to them but I am still so sad and don’t want people to see me like this. I know, I should be feeling better by now but I am not quite there.

I have been told that time heals everything but as long my child remains there,  I don’t think that will be the case.  I am doing everything within my power to heal and get used to leaving here but there has not been a day since my arrival that I pray to God that today will be the day that I heard my phone ring with the news that I can go back to my home in Florida. Last week my hope of coming back increased because my local Congressman. Darren Soto refiled my private bill and my daughter, Pamela was invited to D.C for a press conference outside the Capitol.  Seeing her speak made me feel so proud. That shy teenager girl that I left, has become my voice. When I saw her talked, I could not help but to think, “ where is my shy girl?” While I continue to build my life here with my youngest child, I will also continue to hope that I can go back one day to my home in Florida. Hoping that the day will come soon.

Thank you for reading my blog and I hope to see you next time!

 

https://www.patreon.com/findinghopeafterdeportation

 

 

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No Christmas For Me!

 I couldn’t wait for Christmas to be over! I hated to go out and hear the Christmas carols in every single store. Yes, I know. I sound like the Grinch. In fact, my little one named me the Mexican Grinch!  I did not buy a Christmas tree or any Christmas decorations. but I did buy a gift for each of my kids. On December 21st my beautiful daughter Pamela came to see me. She arrived a few days before Christmas and she was not happy when she saw that I did not have a Christmas tree.

  I know my lack of Christmas spirit made my kids sad. But how can I be in the mood when I just lost so much? For the last 21 years, I spend a lot of money on Christmas decorations, gifts etc. But  after my deportation, over the last couple of months I have barely had the energy to get out, take my child to school, cook a healthy lunch for her when she gets back from school and find the strength to exercise because that is the only thing ( besides talking to God) that prevents me from going crazy or wanting to jump out off a bridge.

  The truth is that it has been very hard for me to go on. I can’t seem to get out of the dark cloud that I feel I have over my head. It has been 5 months since I was deported from the US and I know that it is expected from me by now to feel better and move on right? Well no. Not really. How can I feel better when so much has been taking away from me? I built my life in Florida, I built my dream house with hard work and perseverance and with no government assistance -despite some people might think. My husband and I NEVER EVER asked for government assistance and we are proud of that. The only thing he asked the government, was for the chance for his wife to remain there, in the US. And we all know how that went!

  It felt good to have my husband and oldest child here for Christmas. We had a good time full of laughs and lots of tears. I wanted to be happy but I kept thinking: In a few days they will be leaving and I will have to wait god knows how many months to see them again. My oldest child kept saying, “ Mom, I wish you could come with us, this is not right, It’s so cruel and does not make sense. Many undocumented people are there and you were deported why, why you?” I responded to her that is a question that I keep asking God on a daily basis. Why me? Why? My question remains unanswered. But I hope, that one day I get to know the answer. I know I will.

 Sadly, the day that my child and husband had to live came on January the 3rd, a few days ago and my 9-year-old and I are still very sad. But we find comfort hoping that next Christmas we can spend it together in our house in Florida, with our old dog Spot. In the meantime, I keep praying for my miracle to happen!

 

Thank you for reading my blog and please don’t forget to visit my Patreon account below. See you next time!

 

https://www.patreon.com/findinghopeafterdeportation


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I am Still Hoping, Helping and Writing!

 Yes, I know you may have been wondering Why I have not written anything in a while. Some even have wondered f I have stopped writing my blog. To be honest with you, I was considering not writing anymore. Why? Because I have been feeling down,- more than usual – and I think it has to do with the holidays. First Thanksgiving and now Christmas. I didn’t know what to write about other than sad things such as how much this year’s Thanksgiving sucks because I was not there with my family. Since I did not want my blog to be only about negative stuff, I am glad I did not write my blog. The purpose of my blog is to share how  deportation affects families, particularly mine. But most important is to bring some type of hope to other deportees or people that are about to be deported.

So, as I was getting ready to close my blogging account, I decided to pray over it instead. I said to myself  “God I am so busy re-building my life  here and I really have not time to commit to my writing so let me know what to do!” Next day my answer came.

I woke up and read my emails and someone had contacted me telling me that my story has giving her hope.  She, is about to be deported this month and that she wants my advice of where to live and what schools I recommend for her kids. So I answered her email and I am currently helping her look for an apartment near where I live. I have always found pleasure and comfort helping others. That is what humans should do. Love and help each other. So I have decided that I will continue to write and share my story of  struggles and hope after deportation!

 Thank you for reading my blog and don’t forget to visit my Patreon account below!!

https://www.patreon.com/findinghopeafterdeportation

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A Little Girl’s Prayer!

As you all know Christmas is coming soon and I do not know how I will survive it I was walking with my youngest daughter who lives with me last week at a local plaza and she saw Christmas ornaments. She said, “Mom this will be our first Christmas here in Mexico.” Yes, she is right, this will be her first Christmas in Mexico and my 18th Christmas in Mexico out of my 39 years of life. To be honest, I do not remember how Christmas is here.

That night she wrote this prayer and it goes like this:

I am Estela Juarez. I am 9 years old but people think I’m 6 because I am to short like my mom and do not like to eat much, that is why I think I look like I am 6 years old instead of 9.  Ever since my mom got deported I have a big hole in my heart. I have been praying day and night. I prayed for Congressman Darren Soto to be re-elected and he was! I also have been praying; for President Trump. I pray that god all powerful changes his heart and that he allows my mom to come back. I also pray for President Trump to stops deporting good people like my mom. I want to spend Christmas at my house in Florida with my whole family, including my dog Spot. If my whole family is reunited again, only then the big hole in my heart will be filled with joy and happiness.”

This was her prayer and I made it my prayer too!

Thank you for reading my blog. If you liked it, please visit my patreon account below. See you next time!

 

https://www.patreon.com/findinghopeafterdeportation

 

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